The following work is a Slayers fanfic set two years after TRY. It was inspired by a piece of artwork I did, which is
here.
I started this after reading Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson's 'Illuminatus! Trilogy'. It's a great book, but it has a very experimental style. Setting, speaker, pov, and context change in the middle of chapters/pages/paragraphs/sentences. The style influenced The Persistence of Memory heavily - here's a handy guide as to how.
This is third person perspective
This is Firia's thoughts.
This is Xelloss' thoughts
I'm not saying whose thoughts these are, but it'll be pretty obvious when the time comes.
This is a lemon. There's lots of naughty sex in here, so if you want to maintain your purity, run. Now.
Thanks for reading, feedback is appreciated, don't take any wooden nickels, and ciao.
* * *
The Persistence of Memory - by Irk
* * *
What had it taken to finally come here? Cunning and deceit were too little, even spellwork and magical force weren't enough - if there is no will, there is no deed. While weeks of planning and contemplation had been involved, and so much work done to gather energy and prepare spells, it really didn't matter if Firia had no reason to do these things. Her plan was built on a foundation. She couldn't say what it was.
Love was too presumptuous on her part. Chalking it up to friendship would mock what the two shared. It wasn't comraderie for a traveling companion. Her flimsy morals and wavering dedication to 'good' [to 'right' and 'just' and 'honor'] could never offer the kind of scaffolding from which she had to work.
This was what sat in Firia's mind as she descended upon the latticework of caves that made up the dungeons.
Pity? She passed a guard unseen. Remorse? A ward overhead gave no alarm. Promises? Astral triggers ignored a Golden Dragon - the mind behind them had been certain that no Golden Dragon would have any reason to commit criminal acts in the very heart of Dragon Justice [and Punishment].
Even....revenge?
She was invisible. For all dragons here concerned, if it wasn't seen and it didn't cause alarm, it didn't exist.
No, certainly not that.
The ward here would be a difficulty -- but the ward she anticipated was not there. As if it wasn't considered neccesary.
Then why am I here?
She was in the center of a maze of cells. They were the blood and flesh of Devil's Nest. When the Golden Dragons had something [someone] they didn't want to lose, they kept it here.
Until it died.
Do I really need a reason?
Xelloss. In front of her was the cell holding the most guarded [coveted] captive [trophy] that the Golden Dragons might ever find [win].
In this situation especially I need a very good reason!
There was no lock on the door.
Then what is it?
The dust was thin here.
What could bring me here?
A well-tread path.
Why try this for Xelloss?
In the shadows to the side...was that a glove?
What makes him so important to me? Important at all?
It was a glove. Shredded in places, and stained. But its color lingered, and if you stared at it carefully...
When I'm with Xelloss, I...
It was blue. Yes. There was just enough showing through the...the red....which had to be blood.
When we are together I am honest. And I know, even though it shouldn't be possible, that Xelloss is honest. And if I'm not certain of anything else in my world, I am certain that between us has only been the truth. And I can't lose him. That would mean losing me.
How long have I been here? I can only measure it in experience. The moments without guards and punishment and fire and pain and chill and dripping and screams and laughter and talk and beatings and confessions and clenching and falling and mocking and pleading and shock and panting and tears...were not moments. I'm sure that they happened, and I know that means I've been here much longer than I remember. I can accept that. I'm probably going to die. I'm accepting that again.
I had known that straight off [I was going to die here] but the knowing didn't seem to do any good. In the times long ago, [how long I can't tell...I can't even tell how long I've been thinking this before now] when I first was dragged into this place, that happy morbid fact was my strength. I grinned at my friends [inquisitors] and chatted with [mocked] them. Talked all day, through some very interesting games [torture]. After all, if I was going to meet my demise, it might as well be greeted in a cheerful manner.
For some reason [pain, hunger, shock, poison] I stopped smiling at the Dragons for one moment. And I never smiled again. I hadn't given up [yet]. Unfortunately, something had triggered desperation in me [I didn't know I was going to die]. There was no shortage of factors to this, and it doesn't really surprise me in retrospect. I think they liked it. I think again and know they expected it, and this is why they started asking me questions.
I don't know why I told the truth. It wasn't as if they had any way of knowing. You beat a dog, it howls. I could be saying anything just to make them stop.
But at this point those factors I have clearly previously noted ganged up on me in the rather insidious form known as Paranoia [fear]. I was afraid that if I lied they would make it worse. I was getting a bit feverish at this point, from Factors of course. I've never given away so many secrets. It felt...
Wierd. Really strange. Eerie.
I think at this point I was losing Me as well as Sanity [the two ARE loosely connected]. My confessions were turning into a mad babble, talking to hear myself talk, as if Voice = Respite. When the equation failed I broke for the first time.
Oy. I can hear another friend come in now. I'm tired.
Opening the door and venturing inside had taken immense strength - premonitions of what she might see in here had frightened Firia. She had waited a long time before entering, under the pretense of making sure she wouldn't....interrupt.
But none of her race was here, which was strange because that meant that they'd left Xelloss alone without any wards and-
"Pity's sakes," Firia gasped.
How could they - how could he....
She darted to his side, her movements revealed not to the eyes, but the ears. Xelloss jolted in surprise when she touched him.
I think I'm going blind!
...
Neat.
How long has he been in here?
Firia pulled a handkerchief out and pressed it to Xelloss' face. The blood was everywhere, but she had to clean him somehow.
I found out that he was in here three weeks ago.
She could only tend wounds [and doubtless he had many to account for, he'd been here for a long time] that she could see, and...so much blood...
How long before that has he been in here?
I seem not to be blind.
Firia could only wonder how there could be this much blood.
Oh Ceipheed, what happened to him before I could get here?
Maybe I'm crazy.
Surely Xelloss hadn't bled all of it.
All this... this... all over... what didn't happen to him?
Nah. It's too late for that.
He was a little cleaner now, at least...that was enough.
I need to lay him down.
Xelloss' wrists were held over his head. A pair of chains supported the manacles he hung from, his knees supporting himself. He was slouched, but Firia couldn't see how he could possibly be comfortable.
Well, if it was anything important, it'd be hurting me, so I'll just leave it be. I've been hanging here too long. I've been hanging here too long.
I don't know why I bothered recovering from the first snap. I just snapped again awhile afterwards. At least I'm sane now. At least I'm sane now.
At least...I was rational after the first break. I recovered by rationalising everything. Which I'm not sure of now, but I'm probably not very rational now. I ran out of ration.
Hah.
I can't think much on what happened then. It's slippery, wriggling out of my grasp. What happened then? Why am I bleeding? I can't hold on to it and -
Oh Mother of Chaos. My arms hurt.
Firia ran her fingers over the manacles, feeling for a catch. The locking mechanisms were deep in the metal, only touchable by the right key. Firia's fingertips poked under the cuffs, lightly rubbing against Xelloss' wrists. She couldn't break the shackles off without hurting Xelloss.
And then I broke the second time because I was bleeding. It was the bleeding that told me I was going to die, and I really should have listened, really should have listened that time, because I bled quite a lot. And after that it just hurt a lot and there was quite a lot more bleeding because it was so much fun, I guess, to watch me bleed. There's very little I can remember then, because all the painful moments just flow into each other so that I can't tell them apart, and considering how little I remember of that period that must have been quite a few moments, I'm quite sure. I'm sure of that, at least. Sure enough to think I'm pretty sure, and that's sure enough. I guess. But really I started to recover, somehow, and I'm not quite sure of how. After so much practice I suppose it was old hat. And there was time passing, and somewhere in there was Milgasia? I remember him distinctively, which is odd since I remember pain the best and he never hurt me.
I got so hungry. I'm so hungry. I think I'll die of complete starvation, maybe, since none of my friends down here ever have so much as a stab of guilt, let alone any truly painful emotion. And it's funny, because I've never heard of a pure mazoku starving to death, and here I am, eating my own pain as if it would help me[as if I could help it]. That's the worst of it, I think...the taste of myself is now so tempting that the hunger never gets out of my mind, because I can't put the pain out of my mind, not when the pain is practically all of my mind, and I'm going to starve to death and be aware of it every second of the way, and I feel sick. Sick sick sick.
And something's here, and it's touching me, and I'm still foolish enough to care.
Xelloss looked up into thin air.
Maybe I can squeeze and just crack...have I been quiet all this time?
"I'm sorry, Xelloss, it won't be long."
Even in a situation such as this, he's making faces. Only Xelloss...wait, I'm looking at this all wrong.
Firia grasped the links just above the manacles and squeezed the chains tightly. They were forged to hold something like a human, not a dragon, and the metal easily gave against her grip.
Firia supported Xelloss' body as it sank into her embrace.
Oh my arms my arms...I'm falling and I'm loose and it hurt to be hanging but it hurts to be not. My arms...oh my arms. It hurts but it feels so good and I wish I could eat this pain I'm feeling, because it smells delicious.
And also I am not falling.
I'm confused.
Firia fought against this awkward angle that Xelloss had put her in. He was leaning forward, arms flopped over her shoulders. Her chin rested on the top of his head, and his face...
Firia's cheeks turned bright red, though the shade was debatable as it was not visible to anyone.
"....Firia?"
I won't be able to rescue Xelloss because I'm going to die now.
"Firia, I can't see you." Xelloss' voice was rather muffled down there[How did he recognize her? Was it from...oh]. "What's going on?"
Firia finally wrestled Xelloss' limp body[gently!] to the ground.
"I'm...you can't see me." She sighed wearily. "Of course you can't. I'm sorry." Firia tapped the gem fixed to her left glove and thus finally became visible.
As Firia was making her adjustments, Xelloss was shifting according to his new topography. His body curled, resting on its side, knees and elbows drawn up in front of stomach and chest. He'd moved slowly, like a fatigued spring that had finally been released from an endless stretch.
That...feels better.
Firia ran her hands over Xelloss' side and shoulders, easily abandoning her embarrasment for concern. She tried to sense the damage done to him, physical and astral, but her senses felt strangely blunted. She paused, looking around her in case some new ward was up. But no, she'd been promised privacy in the event that she'd managed to get in. This wasn't her, it was Xelloss.
Xelloss felt different to her.
Oh I feel sick I feel sick all that time I'd wanted to lay down and it turns out it hurts more than just hanging like some toy forever and it feels so good to curl up and no one's around and Firia's around but she doesn't count because this doesn't hurt and Firia...
Firia came.
For me.
Milgasia isn't a heartless bastard.
The blood...Xelloss doesn't bleed like this. And he's too heavy, and too scared, and too tired. And he feels wrong, all wrong. What did...I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid. I'm so - what's wrong?
What do I do?
Firia gingerly caressed Xelloss' cheek. "What's wrong? What do I do?"
Xelloss' eyes opened and remained unfocused for a moment. He looked up at Firia. "Why are you here? I'm going to die."
I'm not going to panic I'm not going to cry I'm not going to hold him to me because it'll hurt him and it'll hurt me and...
Xelloss flinched as a tear fell onto his face.
What's she really going to do with me? I'm dying and I'm hurting and now Firia's here and I don't know what to do with her. She could have at least told me that she was going to execute a surprise break-in. I could have prepared...somehow. Do I shave? No, I don't shave. That's right. And if Firia hadn't come in unannounced I wouldn't have had to ask myself that, and what am I doing here? Is that my blood? Why doesn't anyone tell me these things?
And another - OH SANITY DISSOLVING IN THE SEA OF CHAOS. She's in pain.
I can't stop crying, I can't stop crying, oh fuck...what am I supposed to do now...
Firia snapped out of her rigid panic when Xelloss, shifting from his coiled slump, curled into her lap.
Firia blinked.
He was smiling.
Xelloss nuzzled against Firia's leg awkwardly. "Firia-san. Oh Firia-san..." He was purring.
Firia numbly brushed her palm over his cheek, blinking back her tears.
"Firia I've been hungry for so long...."
I'm gasping for breath now - a shock reaction that I've grown accustomed to. Guilt and panic and desparation all taste different when they come from Firia. My emotions have a spoiled tang to them. It is the rotten aftertaste of eating yourself. I'm empty sustenance to me, but any other creature has a much better flavor and Firia is always one of the most delicious, and I'm savoring every bit of her pain. The flavors aren't tainted by my bitter guilt, because - because I'm just HUNGRY, and I don't care what this feels like to her, I haven't eaten in two and a half months.
He's eating me. He's been starving and now he's...enjoying my pain...and thanking me for it.
Oh Ceipheed....I don't know whether to be angry or ashamed or...or grateful I could help him like this.
Confusion is a bit lighter, not as full and filling as the pain, but the pain's still there...still very much there...
Xelloss's shoulders rubbed against Firia's legs. His hands grasped and fumbled for hers, and upon finding them he drew them to his lips and kissed them. Firia felt the warmth of his breath through her gloves as he purred with contentment.
"Thank you...thank Milgasia...hell, even Ceipheed. I'll thank anything, just please, please don't stop!"
"What if...Xelloss, I can't stay here crying. I have to heal you, I have to take you away from this place!" Firia rubbed her face against her shoulder, unable to wipe away tears while Xelloss still claimed her hands.
"That's okay. I don't mind staying if you feed me."
Firia narrowed her eyes. "I can't let you have your way like a weak mother who spoils her children, Xelloss. I can't let you win just because you're in this position. I'm not going to let you die just because you want me to be nice to you."
Xelloss curled up tighter, shrinking and trembling, and whimpered in a voice that matched his now diminuitive stature: "C-can you heal me AND cry?"
My fear's taste is masking hers. But now she's angry, and that's seeping in too, with the repressed guilt and the paranoia...several more different kinds of guilt, from different sources, and is that righteous indignation? I think it is. Quite a long time since I've had some of that. And now my own guilt is tainting the entire mixture. I really should be paying attention. I really should stop letting my hunger do the thinking.
But...but it's been SO LONG!
I'd hit him, but that's cruel. He won't listen, we're going to die here because he won't listen... I can feel him crying.
Tears and blood. Mazoku don't do this...they're astral beings with physical shells that rarely bleed. And even when I've seen Xelloss bleed, it's only been a drop or a spattering of black.
Xelloss...Xelloss was covered with blood before I cleaned it. Red blood.
I want this to be simple. I don't want to think about what these things could mean...but Xelloss is crazier than he ever was before, and he's broken. If I hadn't known him before he ever ended up in here I would think that he wasn't a mazoku.
...Is he, now?
* * *
Most of my race would say that I'm commiting a grave sin right now. I tried a little halfheartedly to feel bad about it, but it didn't work, so I can't help it.
Actually, I'm feeling a bit too satisfied with the role I'm taking. Ah well. I can't help it.
I probably shouldn't be smiling.
Milgasia shifted his stance. He'd be standing here for a long time.
Past this moment, I'll be the only guard in the entire Nest for hours. No one likes early morning shifts, and security's only a little lax now. There's the wards [if they bother] and the locked doors [for prisoners who still can walk] but overall nothing in the annals of Devil's Nest is overtly locked, sealed, or watched. Almost everyone here has been tortured past the point where any precaution would matter.
I'm only a little bitter. I shouldn't be smiling, but it can't be helped.
I'm no longer afraid of Xelloss. I shouldn't feel any pity for him. I wouldn't, if I'd had any excuses left to avoid attending...
How dare they not call it torture.
They were so proud, so very proud of themselves. I don't know how long it had been before my visit that they'd managed to get him to bleed like that, but you would think it had been just that morning, with their...
...elation. If I'm not allowed my embitterment, then I should be allowed my disgust.
I watched him through the whole thing, watched him break down several times, and he even cried. He was well into a long fit of hysterics when I realized that he'd been slipping like that because of the blood. I suppose he'd never been through anything like what we'd done to him. I could feel the warped sheilding and spells around him that must have made him like that. As a priest who is naturally attuned to surrounding energies, the twisted magic almost affected me. I felt ill from the energy and from the spectacle.
I still might have not committed sin, had Xelloss not managed to struggle out of delirium.
How many times had he done that in here before that day? He'd already been in there a month and he was still crazy enough not to give in completely.
My kind had left me alone [perhaps they felt I wanted him to myself] in the cell with Xelloss sprawled before me. He'd barely moved during the entire session, only physically recoiling when he'd been fully aware of his surroundings. So it surprised me when he clutched at my robes, shaking, beseeching me to stay.
"You'll help me, Milgasia-san? I never hurt you like this. You protected Lina-san...you fought for her even when it would aid Fibrizo-sama. So she could go on living, Milgasia-san. To save a life. I didn't kill that many dragons, Milgasia-san. It was only a clan. It was just a war. I'm only a Mazoku. Shabranigdu-sama killed more than me. Rezo came close and he was a human. In the broad scope of things...when you look at it as the Lord of Nightmares...I'm just doing my job, aren't I? It hurts and I'm really more of a priest and it hurts and I love Firia and I...Rezo's red eyes! Oh Hellmaster it hurts! I'm just a priest and I don't even recognize anyone here and I helped kill Dark Star and oh ghosts of the living I'm bleeding again...I'm bleeding...I'm bleeding...help me..."
I knelt to support him, and as he sobbed into my robes I couldn't lie to myself anymore. I could no longer justify Devil's Nest with my conscience, and I vowed to strike against it. I decided to sin.
It took longer than I would have prefered to find this 'Firia' person, who had already started her own search for Xelloss.
After that it was just a matter of planning and preparation.
I suppose I can smile, if it's justified.
In the darkness, Milgasia grinned.
* * *
Firia felt Xelloss' shoulders push against her as she held him close. His crying had been followed by erratic, panicked breathing, and he was now gasping for air in her arms. Firia abandoned the rationale that would tell her that Xelloss didn't need to breathe. She merely rocked him gently and whispered comforts to him and patiently waited for him to calm down.
What's normal for a mazoku shouldn't be normal for anything else...but this can only be the panic that comes from shock. He can't possibly be expected to stay out of delerium. I'm lucky he's been coherent for me at all.
If he's any more help past now, I'll be very lucky. This all depends on me. I have to be responsible for the both of us.
Xelloss heaved in the thrall of two more deep, ragged gulps before settling against Firia's chest. The calm had settled over him as quickly as it had left, and he could feel it seeping in now. Xelloss welcomed the rare guest.
I feel dizzy.
"I didn't know what they were doing."
Firia brushed Xelloss' hair away from his face, giving him reassurance. She wanted him to speak - not just for her fears and questions to be put to rest, but for Xelloss' own sake.
I know you were lonely. I know you were scared, and I know how much you needed someone here for you. I'm here now.
Xelloss sighed and soaked in the prescence of a being that wasn't here to hurt him. "I didn't know that they were casting spells on me. When I was dragged into this nest of thorns my astral form was...was ripped in half...and I couldn't tell...couldn't feel things in that way anymore. There was enough...too much to deal with physically to even worry about what was happening to the tatters of the rest of me. It...I can't remember...I don't know...I can't even put it into words now, and I'm probably a little less crazy at this moment.
"The blood still scares me, and I've bled for a very long...for too long. It just started and...and I'm not supposed to do that. Have you ever felt yourself being pulled inside out? I must have missed it, because that's what they were doing. I...maybe they didn't, maybe I just retreated completely to the physical plane to escape whatever they kept hurting me with. Or maybe I'm just fucked up. Maybe I did something bad and Mother needs to punish me.
"I can't feel anything normal anymore. I don't have a real body, but my astral self isn't there either. I don't know what happened. I don't know what I am. I bleed but I have no heart, and I breathe but I have no lungs. I can still feed like I used to, and taste, but why...why do I breathe like I'll die if I won't if I'm a lungless heartless Mazoku?"
Firia stroked her fingers in soothing circles across Xelloss' back and felt him shiver under her touch. "It's perfectly normal. Every creature has to have some reflex that makes them feel safe, or helps them to cope with shock."
Xelloss hid his face in the folds of Firia's robes. "Not like this. Never like this. Reflexes come from instinct. These aren't my instincts. They're strange. Wrong. I-don't-want-themtheyscareme."
Firia let go of Xelloss for only a moment, letting him lean against her. Her hands grasped for the bow that fastened her cloak. Dragging the ends down, she slipped the knot free, sliding the cloth off of her shoulders and around Xelloss' body. Then she let her arms secure Xelloss once more, his body no longer wrapped only in the shreds of fabric that remained as his clothing. Xelloss nuzzled against the soft lining of Firia's cloak.
Firia ran her fingers through Xelloss' hair. "You've been forced into becoming something else now, Xelloss. You can't deal with things the way you would have before these last few months. Because you've been so restricted, the only way to cope was to resort to actions that were alien to you."
Xelloss shuddered. "You make it sound like I'm not a freak now, Firia." He winced. "Don't squeeze me like that. It's rude."
He's just in shock. He's sore. It's okay.
"Sorry."
"And I don't want to talk about any of this any more." Xelloss saw the look of pain cross Firia's face. "It's none of your business. I waited here forever and just because you came along doesn't give you the right -"
Firia squeezed Xelloss' shoulders tightly and shook him back and forth. She almost gave in to anger completely, but kept herself from slapping him. "Don't you DARE try to feed yourself by making me feel guilty! I spent weeks searching for you, worrying over you, crying at the thought of you dead! I couldn't even be sure of whether a dragon took your life or a member of your own race did! For all I'd known you'd just abandoned me for some new hobby!"
Xelloss tried to struggle from Firia's grip, fighting at the strength of a golden dragon. "I won't tell you anything! Nothing! You can't take anything else away from me!"
Firia held Xelloss fast against her chest, shaking from built-up stress and restrained fury. "I never knew. I had nightmares. I couldn't spend an hour awake without it coming to my mind. Where is Xelloss? What's wrong with Xelloss! Every day and every night, XellossXellossXelloss!
"It's a secret! It's a secret! It's a secret! No more! I'll tell you! The truth is that it's a secret it's a secret it's a secret..."
Firia pressed her forehead against Xelloss' shoulder, tears soaking into the cloak. She rocked back and forth, holding Xelloss against her for a long, silent moment.
"I missed you so much."
Xelloss shuddered as the warmth rolled over him. "I...I missed you too." He pushed against Firia. "Stop doing that. It's warm. It stings."
"It's my love."
"I know. Oh how I know." Xelloss laid his head on Firia's chest. "I may not be a mazoku now, but it still hurts me, Firia."
...Oh.
Firia relaxed. Xelloss pulled away slightly as Firia's arms fell slowly, her hands sliding along his back.
I can leave any time I want. I just don't need to. I just don't need to.
Everything's okay. Everything's okay.
I...I...just feel a little dizzy. I'm dizzy. That's fine. Fine.
I'm not scared at all.
Firia's fingers darted under the cloak, questing through the soft fabric until she found Xelloss' wrists wrapped in iron.
You're not a freak, Xelloss. I know what's wrong with you.
She leaned forward.
I can heal you.
What the hell are you doing?
Firia slid Xelloss onto his back, the cloak sprawled under him, his wrists still in her fingers. Xelloss tried to pull away, but Firia's grip held him fast. She sank closer, tugging his wrists gently but firmly over his head. As Firia's lips closed over his neck, Xelloss shut his eyes tight. He drew a deep breath as Firia's teeth shyly brushed across his skin.
Oh...oh my....you can't. I can't be here. She's not on top of me. Her knees aren't straddling my waist. I am not getting turned on by this.
This tastes like...like...like something I can't taste. Shit I'm scared. I'm terrified and - oh those teeth. The teeth must sto - AH! FUCK! Let me go!
He's going to hate me for this, I know it, but kindness isn't just the love of a mother. I can feel the structure of energy within him like this, only like this. I must heal him from the ground up. My foundation can only support him by merging with his own crumbled scaffolding.
This is going to be difficult.
Oh Shabranigdu, why am I still alive? Didn't I kill enough dragons in your service to earn being spared from this one? Why - I still have a shirt, I still have a shirt, I never had a real shirt after they flogged me so hard that I screamed out for Zelas and now it's gone, and I have no shirt and please Shabranigdu-sama make the mean dragon stop doing that thing with my hands and her tongue, it scares me and feels far too good for it to be good.
I...I have to concentrate. I must stay calm. I must stay calm, because Xelloss would just hate me even longer than forever if I pushed myself against him hard and fast like I want to right now. I'm not supposed to be thinking about that, I'm thinking about energy. I'm thinking about how I can feel Xelloss' energy, and almost touch it. If I work harder and press on I'll touch it. If I touch it I can fix it and heal Xelloss. I can feel it even more now, because Xelloss is enjoying this on the right levels. I can tell, because -
No, I'm thinking about his energy.
That is his energy, though, in a way....
Astral energy! Astral energy!
"Firia I, I'm not...I'm not a dragon, Firia, you should find a nice golden dragon for thi-" Xelloss' lips surrendered to Firia's mouth, his words retreating into his throat and regrouping into a low moan. Firia reached under Xelloss, fingers delicately evading scars to caress the smooth skin between. The body under her shivered from neck to navel. She continued, her hand gingerly coaxing pleasure into the flesh that was willing.
But I can't feel these things, I only feel pain there, but I can't remember the pain ever being - I can't - I feel - oh Shabranigdu, oh Ceipheed, oh somebody please make it stop keep going stop her faster no more again spare me spoil me please!
Firia stroked her finger down the entire length of Xelloss' back, retracing towards his neck as he arched his back. "Firia...for the sake of any warmth that you might feel for me, please stop doing this!" The plea sliced through Firia, the sharp whisper cutting straight into her heart.
Firia maintained her grip, keeping Xelloss' hands out of the way and unable to intervene. "I can't let you have your way like a weak mother who spoils her children, Xelloss. I can't let you win just because you're in this position. I'm not going to let you die just because you want me to be nice to you."
Xelloss' body yielded no more struggle, yet the evidence of his inner reactions [the recoil from shock, the cornered desparation] were clearly etched in his face. "I...actually thought you might save me, but...but nobody helps a dying dog. You're just kicking me, kick- the boot, it was so pristine when it hit my face- my face, how did my face heal from the- the taste, I can't ignore the taste of myself- so strong, so weak, so strong, so weak..."
How the hell am I going to help you now? Why can't I stop losing you? Why the hell can't I stop losing you?
Dragon...above me...going to kill a dragon...behind me...all around me...trap and I'm hit...I can't see it...feel it....feel it...can't feel...drag me...drag me...tell me I'm never going to die. Tell me I'm never going to die. Tell me I'm never going to die.
I'll never let you die.
Firia bit into her arm, canine teeth piercing and sinking into the soft flesh. The pain washed down the limb, warm and liquid, almost toppling her. She released Xelloss' wrists and clutched her rumpled cloak. It ripped easily and clean, and Firia took the strip in one hand as she released her arm from her mouth. A moment of pulling and a nimble tuck and her wound was bound and bloodless.
Firia fought the urge to cry out as the burning release of pain banked into a penetrating, thudding ache. As she did, Xelloss gasped and pulled her down on top of him.
Firia felt Xelloss' arms tangle around her back, frantically trying to pull her even closer. His limbs scrambled to keep her close, but his eyes were shut, as if he weren't wholly awake for the embrace. Firia let him keep her close, feeling his teeth clamp onto her neck in a mock bite, his fingers almost clawing at her in toying motions. A deep purr arose in his throat. Caught blind in the thrall of fresh pain, Xelloss was doing no less than playing with his food.
Firia let the animal under her play as it needed while she slid her hands along its body, down the ribs, past the belly, resting her palms on the sides of its hips. She snuck her fingers under the waistband of the beast's pants but paused as its elbow nudged her wound. Firia hissed through her teeth at the surge of heat, growling as she saw a contented smile spread over the beast's face.
Pain-eating bastard...I have to get his pants off!
Firia slid her hands further down. Thumbs tucked into the waistband of Xelloss' pants, Firia tugged the clothing lower, down his thighs and to his knees. The process was much harder than she would have preferred, as Xelloss was all too eager to clutch her shoulders and try to drag her back up to where he could chew on her. Firia evaded his grasp while attempting to ignore the throbbing in her arm and the overall loss of concentration that this whole affair was bestowing upon her. Stripping an almost drugged Xelloss shouldn't give her the naughty thoughts she was receiving. Being clutched and fondled and nibbled like a toy shouldn't make her feel like this. The surges of heat in her arm should not be spreading in that same pulsing manner to other parts of her body.
If Xelloss lives through this, I'm going to hurt him for perverting my nature this way. But only after I fuck him.
Firia managed to yank down Xelloss' underclothing right as the mazoku finally succeeded in getting ahold of her. With surprising strength he pulled her up to eye level and clutched her shoulder against his mouth, sinking his teeth in for a bite that was under no circumstances intended as playful.
Firia fell against Xelloss, surrendering for a moment to the agony he'd tapped into. He clutched her tightly against him, drinking up the pain that tasted of blood, lapping at the blood that tasted of pain.
-take it before it's gone, gorge yourself while you can, eat what's there until they come and kill you for what you are. I'm hungry you're hungry...I'm starving you're starving...I'm so lonely we're so lonely...I just want a body[carcass][lover], I just want a...[master][slave][friend]...nything, take what you can before they take you away, steal it or she'll take it away, take her or she'll run away, I just want me to stop telling me that I'm an animal but I'm too hungry for anything to give it up-
Warmth trickled down Firia's back - it was the excess that Xelloss neglected as his lips caressed her shoulder. Firia relaxed in Xelloss' arms, letting the pain seep into his mouth and away from her senses. She'd never been preyed upon before, never felt anything like the almost loving caress of Xelloss' tongue on her wound. She wanted to let him eat like this all night, giving herself-
I have to be strong for him. I don't want to anymore, but I still must.
Firia shifted against Xelloss, pulling away just enough to give her hands free reign over his body. His mouth still kissed at her flesh as she caressed his inner thighs. Xelloss moaned against her as she stroked his rising member. He bit into her harder, only to be rewarded with more caresses and a chuckle.
I can feel his energy through this. I can feel *everything* through this.
Firia squeezed the wound on her arm and almost screamed as Xelloss, thralled with the taste of her, wrenched away from her shoulder. She yanked her skirt away and pushed herself against him, forcing his back against the cushion of her cloak. Xelloss clung to Firia as she took him inside of herself.
Everything is inside this moment. Everything I've ever wanted to see in you. All that I wanted to feel in you. The wound within you that I must heal. The warmth within you that I crave. I have to hurt you because I'm going to save you. I have to hurt you because I know you want it. I am whole in you.
Firia and Xelloss didn't know where the other ended or began, and relished in this as long as they could. The surge of pleasure that they shared came as an agony, a bitter goodbye. They were again separate entities and not a whole, but they awoke as more complete individuals than they had ever been.
"I want to go home now." Xelloss passed out.
* * *
I didn't ask where her blood came from, or why he was naked. Heaven knows if Xelloss had any sanity left to spare. Heaven knows what they did in there, but she came out whole and he came out not dead, and that makes me happy.
No one knows how Xelloss escaped Devil's Nest. I told them that in the morning I found the only guard here in the entrance. He was dead by my own hands, but I didn't inform them of that specific detail. They're too busy looking for Xelloss, in a place far from here but even farther from a pottery shop containing the last Golden Dragon of the Fire Dragon King's tribe, the last Ancient Dragon anywhere, and a very tired Mazoku.
I would feel guilty, but honestly, if Xelloss' mistress ever finds him, she'll kill him for the frantic treason that he committed while in our care. He'll stay harmless because he'll have to if he wants to stay alive and undiscovered. From what I gather, he'll be resigned to babysitting for Firia for a long, long, happy lifetime.
I should stop smiling.
* * *
I think I'm happy here. I feel whole again. I feel like I'm not completely around the bend now. I'm having fun here.
Besides, Firia stopped hitting me for whatever it is I did in that awful place. And Zelas will never, ever find me here. And Valteria needs someone to keep him in trouble.
And Firia...
I'll think about that later.
I don't remember much of my time in Devil's Nest. I don't remember leaving it. I don't even remember what Zelas looks like, in fact, though I do remember betraying her out of desperation. I barely remember the trap the dragons set for me, and how many of them were there. Gods. All that for me. I'm surprised I'm alive now.
I remember almost everything about Firia, though.
I can live here. There is a lot of potential here. And Firia's baking cookies.
* * *
First chance I get - I'm tying him to the bed and making him remember what we did in Devil's Nest.
Must bake cookies. Must bake cookies.
I'm never letting him leave.
* * *
END
* * *
You can find more of Irk's works at http://www.mazoku.com/~snapple/ficarc/