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Zelgadiss sat beside the campfire, staring into the flames, watching as they danced in the breeze. He could hear the sound of his companions breathing softly in their sleep, broken every now and then by a muttered exclamation of protection or destruction, but they were the only sounds in the clearing besides those of the wind.
The wind, it sounded as lonely as he felt. Somehow, the sounds and touch of the wind always stirred a deep sadness and longing within him, but he could never seem to figure out why. He felt as though that knowledge was buried too deep within himself for it to ever surface, and that thought always managed to make him feel worse. He sighed heavily, and sipped from the cup of coffee he was holding.
"What's the matter Zelgadiss-san? Can't sleep? Probably has something to do with all that coffee you drink."
"Shut up Xellos." Zelgadiss growled in response as the mazoku appeared on the other side of the fire. He didn't want to see Xellos right now, the mazoku had the same confusing effect on him as the wind, with them both present Zelgadiss was afraid he would drown in the emotions they brought forth.
"Aw, be nice Zelgadiss-san," Xellos pouted, "I only came to talk because you looked so lonely."
Zelgadiss glared at him, watching as the firelight caressed his pale skin and closed eyes.
...standing in front of the fire in a light robe and nothing else, and he wanted me...
"I am not lonely, I was enjoying the quiet."
Lina yelled something in her sleep about punishing a bandit gang and Xellos chuckled,
"This is quiet?"
"Relatively speaking." Zelgadiss muttered, which was true.
"If you say so Zelgadiss-san." The mazoku replied, smiling at him with those closed eyes.
Closed eyes, like Rezo's, Zelgadiss shuddered and almost looked away, but stopped himself for some reason. Because of that, he caught the slight faltering of Xellos' smile at his reaction, why?
The wistful longing within him grew stronger and now he did look away, he couldn't bear it. A soft sound, like the wind sighing, drew his attention back, and he discovered that Xellos was gone. Sitting alone by the fire once again, Zelgadiss sipped his coffee and resumed his contemplation of the flames.
Xellos walked cheerfully along with the others, watching Zelgadiss' stiff back as the chimera strode quickly ahead of the group. He was moody today, which was no surprise, the shaman was moody pretty much everyday, but this was a little different, Xellos wondered if somehow he was the cause. Zelgadiss kept glaring at him when they had to stop for a moment and the dark looks gave him hope that he was. He liked to think that he could effect Zelgadiss in that way, it made him feel like he meant something more to the chimera than just an annoyance.
It hurt, being so close to his former lover, but still being so far away. It wasn't right; his heart had died when Rezo had taken Zelgadiss away from him, why did the chimera's very presence have to resurrect it? Maybe it was some sort of punishment for his interference. There had been questions about whether Zelgadiss would have betrayed his grandfather without the experiences of his forgotten past; maybe this was how Xellos was intended to suffer for his hand in it.
Still, it didn't matter, Zelgadiss had betrayed Rezo, Shabernigdo had lost to Lina Inverse, and Xellos was now forced to accompany the hotheaded sorceress and her friends. No matter what the reasons for this assignment, it was torture, and not the pleasant kind. The daily reminders that Zelgadiss did not remember him, that the chimera now actively hated him, were difficult to take. Especially since they left him very little hope. If they had broken up for some reason there would have been a chance at reconciliation, but like this? He sighed, wondering yet again just how difficult of a battle he would have to wage in order to regain his love.
His gaze wandered carefully over the chimera, noticing once again the changes in Zelgadiss. The chimera was wiser now, which was good, but more aloof, which was bad, and less trusting, which was worse. It would be like trying to grab hold of a stinging nettle plant, you had to go about it just right or wind up with your hand punctured. Xellos sighed again; the more he thought about this the harder it seemed.
"Something the matter Xellos?" Lina asked him, and he smiled at her,
"Just thinking Lina-san."
"About what?"
He loved it when they gave him an opening, "Sore wa himitsu desu."
"Xellos--" she started to growl, but didn't get to finish as the world around them suddenly exploded in flames. Xellos removed himself and watched as they were surrounded by a fairly large group of lesser mazoku. He smiled; this was unexpected, and not much of a challenge, it promised to be fun to watch.
He searched out Zelgadiss and the smile vanished from his face as he recognised the chimera's opponent. This one was no lesser mazoku, and there was no chance the chimera would win against it. Not that he didn't try, Zelgadiss threw every spell he knew intermixed with attacks from his sword, but he was unable to do any real damage. He was thrown back again and again as the mazoku toyed with him. Xellos watched the cat and mouse game, trying to remain detached. He succeeded very well, until the mazoku got bored with the game and landed a strike across Zelgadiss' body that split his stone skin, tearing his body open.
Before consciously deciding to do so, Xellos placed himself between Zelgadiss and the chimera's opponent. He finished the shaman's battle for him, doing so quickly and brutally, then turned to the fallen swordsman.
"Zelgadiss-san?" He asked, but there was no response. Walking over, he lifted the chimera gently, and discovered that the wound was deeper than he had thought, the damage far more serious. "Zel-kun!" He acted again without thinking, not a good habit to get into, but one he decided to overlook for now, and transported the two of them to where the others were just completing their own battles.
"Amelia-san!"
The princess turned at the sound of his voice and ran over to them the second she saw Zelgadiss in his arms. "What happened?"
"He's dying." Was the only answer he was able to give her. She gave him a brief glance, and he knew she had heard the anguish in his voice, but she focused on Zelgadiss quickly and began the healing spell. Xellos' panic receded along with Zelgadiss' wound, and he was calm again by the time the healing was completed.
"He'll need rest." Amelia said, in an exhausted tone. "We should try to get to an inn or something."
"All right." Lina said decisively. "There's one not too far from here. Xellos, can you carry Zel until we get there?"
He really should say no, but he discovered that his arms wouldn't release the chimera not matter how hard he tried to convince them too, so he just nodded. He followed the others as they quickly made their way to the nearby town, cradling the chimera protectively in his arms until they reached safety.
...lying in his arms in the middle of the night, he held me so close...
Zelgadiss opened his eyes slowly, and found himself staring at Xellos' sleeping face. It took a moment for it to register that the mazoku was lying beside him, his arms wrapped around him, but when it did, he was overwhelmed by the sense of contentment the mazoku's embrace brought him. It didn't make sense, he hated Xellos, he should be pushing the mazoku away. So why did he want to snuggle closer and have Xellos hold him tighter?
...making love in front of the fireplace, he was so gentle...
Fires shot through Zelgadiss' body began to elaborate on that subconscious thought. Watching Xellos' sleeping face, he gave in to a sudden impulse, leaning forward to press his lips lightly against the mazoku's. Xellos moaned in his sleep, returning the pressure and automatically deepening the experimental kiss. Now Zelgadiss did press himself closer, wanting more contact with Xellos' body as he continued the kiss before being forced to break off to breathe.
"Zel-kun." Xellos sighed in his sleep, pulling the now confused chimera closer. Zelgadiss didn't know what to do, his thoughts were scattered, his emotions were running wild, and his body was on fire. Burying his face in Xellos' chest he tried to make sense of everything, but he still hadn't reached a conclusion when exhaustion forced him into sleep again.
When he woke later, the sun was shining in through his window and his bed was empty. The sense of loss that followed that discovered surprised him, even though he was getting used to odd emotions in connection to Xellos.
...running to him when he came back, I love him, I never told him...
He dressed quickly, going downstairs to the dining room where he was certain his friends would be. He was right; they were seated around a table, well occupied with stuffing their faces, as usual. Xellos wasn't with them. That observation made Zelgadiss' mood darker, and it got even worse when he saw the bartender staring at him with a look of open-mouthed shock as he passed her. He pulled up his hood and mask and did his best to ignore her as he went to join his friends.
"Hey Zel! Feeling better?" Lina asked as he sat down.
"Yes, thank you." He answered then asked, "Where are we?" There was something very familiar about this place, though he was certain he'd never been here before.
"The town's called Cylvae." Amelia said between bites. "It's really quite amazing, the entire town was rebuilt after an enormous fire destroyed it a few years ago."
"A fire?"
...No, no, I don't want to lose him, grandfather, why...
"Yeah, you okay Zel?" Lina asked as he held his head against a sudden pain.
"Yes, I'm fine, it's just a headache."
"Well, you were injured pretty bad, that's to be expected."
"Hmm." He didn't think that was the reason, but it didn't matter. Movement to the side of the table caught his attention, and he looked up to find the bartender standing there looking at him nervously.
"I'm sorry to bother you, but, Zelgadiss-kun, is that you?"
There was silence around the table for a second, and then Zelgadiss narrowed his eyes, looking up at her suspiciously, "Do I know you?"
Her eyes lit up and she threw her arms around him in a friendly hug. "I knew it was you! I'm so glad you're all right. We were so worried, you couldn't find you two after the fire, and you never came back."
"What are you--?"
"Good-morning everyone." Xellos' voice rang out as the mazoku suddenly approached the table. The bartender straightened up, and then gave him a hug as well.
"Kaze-kun, you're safe too!"
"A-a-ana-chan, you're still here?" Xellos stammered, suddenly looking very uncomfortable.
"Of course!" She said cheerfully, letting him go and smiling, "I had to help rebuild the city." She looked back at Zelgadiss and her smile grew broader, "I'm so glad you two are still together, you always were such a cute couple!"
Xellos followed Zelgadiss into his room with a smile on his face and butterflies in his stomach. He hadn't realised last night that they were coming to Cylvae. Even this morning when he had discovered that fact he hadn't been too concerned, but that was because he had never even considered the possibility of Ana having survived the fire. Now she had raised a lot of questions and Zelgadiss wanted answers. Xellos knew he would be unable to trick his way out of this; he was going to have to tell the truth if he ever wanted to get his lover back. The only problem now was that Zelgadiss was never going to believe him.
"What the hell is going on Xellos? How did that woman know me? How did you know her? Why did she say we were--?" He broke off in embarrassment, a blush covering his cheeks. Xellos sighed and dropped his phoney smile, opening his eyes to look at Zelgadiss seriously.
"We stayed in this town together once, just before the fire, and before you were transformed. It was your grandfather that very merely burned this town to the ground."
"What? Come on Xellos, if you're going to lie you should at least come up with something better than that."
"It's the truth Zel-kun."
Zelgadiss looked at him, his cheeks growing brighter, "Why don't I remember that?"
"Rezo removed your memories."
"Why would he do that?"
"To regain your allegiance."
"Oh, yeah, that worked really well."
"I only know that was his intention Zel-kun, obviously his plan failed."
"So why did she call you Kaze?"
It was now Xellos' turn to blush, "I never told you what my name really was."
"Why?"
"If you had mentioned it to Rezo he would have recognised it and doubted my motives. It was important that he remain ignorant of my true identity."
"What are you talking about?"
Xellos realized that for once in his life he had actually said too much and therefore fell silent. "Zel-kun," he whispered finally, "I know this is hard to accept, but please believe me, I am telling the truth."
There was a long moment of silence and then, "I don't believe you Xellos, I can't."
"Zel-kun..." he reached out towards the chimera, but Zelgadiss turned away from him. That simple movement shattered all his hopes in an instant. He fled from the inn before Zelgadiss could turn to see the desolate pain in his expression.
...standing in the hotel room, facing grandfather. no, I won't leave Kaze, I won't...
{that's not how it happened, I was in the forest, I was practising}
...months alone with him...
{just alone, I was always alone}
...I love him...
{no!}
Zelgadiss woke, sitting up and holding his head against the pain that blossomed there, shuddering in the bed as he waited for it to recede. It was like this almost every night now, conflicting memories fought within him, and he could no longer tell which were real and which were a fabrication.
But he was beginning to believe Xellos.
The mazoku hadn't returned since that night in Cylvae, and Zelgadiss had found himself regretting his hasty decision. He had more questions for Xellos now, he could no longer ignore the emerging memories and they taunted him. There was so much he wanted to know, and the mazoku was the only one who held the answers to his questions.
The most important one being: did Xellos love him?
He closed his eyes and collapsed back down onto the bed. It no longer mattered what their feelings were, Xellos was gone, Zelgadiss had chased him away.
Letting the deep-rooted sorrow consume him, Zelgadiss fell into an uneasy sleep and the battles within him began again.
...he came to the house and grandfather sold me to him...
{no, grandfather let me practice; he never interfered until the end}
...he was so beautiful, it felt so good...
{I am still a virgin}
...it was my first time...
In his sleep, Zelgadiss moaned as the arguments slowly continued to tear him apart.
Xellos appeared in the room, watching Zelgadiss twist on the bed for a moment before laying his staff and cloak aside, coming forward to lie on the bed. He took the suffering chimera into his arms and began to caress the muscles of his back. It didn't take long before Zelgadiss relaxed in his arms, pressing himself closer to Xellos' comforting embrace.
The mazoku sighed as he held him, just as he had done for almost every night since leaving. He knew it was foolish, but he couldn't stay away. He needed to be with his chimera, even for the few brief moments he stole during the night.
This night however, it was not just comfort that Zelgadiss sought in his sleep. His arms slipped around Xellos as his lips brushed gently against the mazoku's neck. Gasping, Xellos tightened his hold on the chimera, instinctively encouraging the contact. He knew he should leave, but he needed this too much!
"Zel-kun..." he whimpered just before Zelgadiss' lips found his, coaxing him into a deep kiss that chased away all his thoughts of stopping. Pulling his gloves off, Xellos let his fingers run over Zelgadiss' bare chest, savouring the forbidden touch.
"Kaze." Zelgadiss sighed, reminding Xellos that the chimera was not truly aware of his actions. He almost paused, but ignored the impulse again when Zelgadiss pulled his shirt off, leaving them both dressed only in their pants. That barrier was quickly disposed of as well, and Xellos began to taste the newly exposed skin, drowning in the familiar sensations.
He drew Zelgadiss' shaft into his mouth eagerly, he needed this more than he wanted to admit. The chimera seemed to need the attentions as well; he rocked his hips forward as his hand gripped tightly at the bed sheets.
"Please." He begged in a strained voice that Xellos had no wish to deny. He drew Zelgadiss deeply into his mouth and back again as he both guided and caressed the chimera with his hands. The low sound of Zelgadiss' short breaths fuelled his desire, and he was soon drinking the chimera's release, thrilled by the long missed taste.
When he looked up from Zelgadiss' depleted organ he found the chimera looking down at him with passion-clouded eyes that were most definitely awake.
"Xellos..." he whispered, in a tone the mazoku was unable to decipher. Feeling his spirits sinking, Xellos moved up along the chimera's body, looking him deep in the eyes. They stared at each other for a long moment before Xellos whispered, "I love you." He had to say it once, he had never had the chance before, and now... He started to move away.
"Don't go." Zelgadiss said suddenly, catching hold of Xellos and keeping him in the bed.
"Zel-kun?" He asked, hope rising unbidden within him.
"I need you." Zelgadiss whispered in a pained voice as he pulled him close, "I don't understand it all yet, but I need you."
"I'm here." Xellos answered, joy and desire surging through his veins as he crushed Zelgadiss' pliant mouth beneath his own. Having the chimera welcome him so readily ignited his own need to a fevered pitch. "Zel-kun, I can't wait." He whispered, moistening his fingers and pressing them into the chimera's body.
"I don't want you to." Zelgadiss replied, relaxing his body for Xellos' touch and offering himself completely. Xellos accepted that gift immediately, removing his hand and replacing it with his throbbing shaft. He moved in and out of Zelgadiss' welcoming heat rapidly, lost in the feeling he had long been denied. He had been waiting too long, it was over too quick, an intense flash and then he collapsed next to Zelgadiss, panting his lover's name as he tried to recover. He sat up when he was successful and found Zelgadiss watching him seriously. Meeting that gaze, Xellos asked softly,
"Now what?"
Zelgadiss sighed, "I don't know. I believe you, I know I loved you, but now--" He let his words trail off as he took Xellos' hand, "I need some time before I can say that again."
"If I am with you through that time, I can wait." Xellos answered, holding his breath as he waited for Zelgadiss' response.
The chimera smiled, "Good, because I want to be with you too."
Xellos reached out and held Zelgadiss, his heart lighter than it had been in years. There was a moment of silence between them and then the chimera chuckled,
"So what do I call you now, Kaze or Xellos?"
The mazoku grinned, "How about koibito?"
The mock frown Zelgadiss gave him proved that he remembered the reference, but he was soon smiling, "You know, I think I can accept that this time."
Xellos smiled as they held each other in the dark room. Maybe Zelgadiss didn't need as much time as he thought, after all, his agreement here was a big step. Still, it was all right, no matter how long it took he would wait, as long as they were together the time didn't matter.
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