Changes - A Change of Heart

Author: Ashvolt Title: Changes - A Change of Heart

A Change of Heart
Zelgadis thinks...
By Ashvolt

It's tearin' up my heart, when I'm with you
But when we are apart, I feel it too
And no matter what I do, I feel the pain
With or without you

It had been three years since they defeated Copy Rezo, and Zelgadis had quickly gone on his own to seek a way to turn himself human again. Lina and Gourry had heard about a treasure that was worth a lot and went off in search of it. Amelia, on the other hand, went back to Seyruun with her father, Prince Phil, and had become a very good princess, taking her responsibilities seriously. Sylphiel stayed in Sairaag to help rebuild the poor decimated city, and the last time he heard, it was coming along nicely.

But...he missed them, not that he'd ever admit it out loud. He missed his old companions, who had become his friends and trusted allies. Especially the one he met first, Lina Inverse. He'd been alone with her and gotten to know her better than any of the others. Plus, he saw a side most people never saw; the side of Lina that needed to be protected from the monsters of the world, the side that was vulnerable to attacks. He'd had to protect her for a few days, because she'd been without the use of her magic. It had been "that time of the month," which meant her magical powers ebbed away to practically nothing. During that time, she had accepted him, despite his appearance and cold manner, and had tried to make him laugh and smile. By the time they'd gotten to the town of Madiran, the ghost town where he'd had the final confrontation with Dilgear and Gourry revealed he had the Sword of Light, he'd started to find hidden feelings...

...Until he saw her with Gourry, and saw their obvious attachment to each other. They bickered and conversed like a pair of old companions, or as he saw it, lovers. They were just friends, as he knew, but at the same time, he kept on seeing hints that they liked each other a lot. So, after an incredibly battle with Shabranigdo, leader of the dark forces, that would go down in the history books, he left. It tore him up, but the pain would have been worse to be with her, knowing he didn't dare take the chance...

Now if only he could convince himself it had been the right thing to do.

Baby I don't understand
Just why we can't be lovers
Things are getting out of hand
Tryin' too much, but baby we can't win

Then came the terrible battle with Copy Rezo at Sairaag. He originally came to Sairaag hoping to find the original Rezo's hidden labratory, where Rezo used to his largest experiments. He wasn't sure whether he'd felt happy or sad to see Lina battling with Eris and her Copy Vrumuguns.' But when he saw her in danger, he sprang into action. She'd seemed to be happy to see him, and he felt himself get enfolded back into her company again.

But, the pain inside of him just increased as he watched her with Gourry. He ignored it, and concentrated on trying to get that cure. Perhaps, just perhaps, if she saw him as a human, she would...

He let himself finish the thought.

That had been three years ago! He hadn't seen her since, but he was sure Lina and Gourry were still traveling together. Those two might've realized they loved each other at last, during that time. All he knew was that he didn't want to be around when they did, for he wasn't sure he'd be able to watch her marry someone else and live through it.

Sometimes, late at night, he'd dream, and in it, Lina and him were together. In the dream, he'd chide himself for waiting to tell her about his feelings for so long, as would she, and they'd kiss. Whenever he woke up, he'd feel like crying, wondering why he hadn't ever told her before what he felt. Then he'd look at himself in the mirror, and he'd remember. The next thought would be about her attachment to Gourry, and he'd go back to bed.

It was getting out of hand, though; the dreams came nearly every single night. He just couldn't seem to push those feelings away, no matter how many times he reminded himself of his horrific appearance and of the man already in her life. He couldn't seem to win.

Let it go
If you want me girl, let me know
I am down on my knees
I can't take it anymore

He looked up at the clear blue sky above him, at the green, whispering trees around him and sighed, heart aching. He desperately wanted to see her smiling face, her laughing smile, her sparkling red eyes...

By L-sama, he sure was far gone if he started thinking about her in terms like that!

Maybe it was time to see her again, and hope she wasn't in love with someone else, hope he had a chance to win her heart. If she gave him some sort of her feelings...he'd...he'd get down on his knees and...

He couldn't take much more of these dreams. It was time to see Lina again. Now the only question was...where was she...?

It's tearin' up my heart, when I'm with you
But when we are apart, I feel it too
And no matter what I do, I feel the pain
With or without you

Zelgadis sighed. Even if Lina were free to love him, he wasn't sure he'd be able to tell her his feelings. She didn't let her deeper emotions get the best of her very often, and so far the only times he'd ever seen her lose control over her feelings dealt with Gourry, and vice versa.

Of course...there was that priestess in Sairaag, Sylphiel. She'd seemed very interested in Gourry, although the dumb blond had been almost completely blind to it. Still, Lina had seemed to have a bigger hold on Gourry than Sylphiel had. After all, he'd left with Lina, hadn't he? And he always proclaimed himself Lina's protector most of the time...

Gah, it was so pathetic! It didn't matter whether Lina was traveling with he, Zelgadis, or not; it ripped up his heart anyway. That pain, deep in his heart, stayed no matter whether they were together or apart, because he knew he couldn't ever be free with his emotions.

Never, ever would she be his. Never.

Baby don't misunderstand
(...don't misunderstand...)
What I'm tryin' to tell ya
In the corner of my mind
(...corner of my mind...)
Baby, it feels like we're running out of time

A crystalline tear ran down his face at the thought, and he angrily brushed it away. It didn't matter. His emotions didn't ever matter, for he wasn't completely human, was he? Well, he wasn't anymore. Now, he had golem and mazoku running through his veins. Those cursed "gifts" than distanced him from others, and made him feel like an outcast, even among friends and family.

But Lina was different, and had always been different. When she chose her friends, her allies, it was by their strengths, their abilities, and their willingness to be in her company. Appearances weren't a consideration.

It was definitely time to seek her out, and stop moping about. If he found her already married, or in love, he could leave as quietly as he came, and she'd never know he'd been there. At least he'd be able to shut the door on that chapter in his life, forever.

He just hoped he wasn't too late to make everything right. He didn't want to go there and find out he'd run out of time. It might happen, but he hoped not...

Let it go
If you want me girl, let me know
I am down on my knees
I can't take it anymore

As he sped across the countryside at his top demonic speed, he started to smile. His imagination was at work again, and in it Lina was free to love him. She stared up at him, smiling cheerfully, and kissed him on the lips, admitting her love for him at last. Then he wrapped her in a tight embrace and held her close, telling her he loved her as well. She'd cling to him, ordering him never, ever to leave her again, and he'd happily promise her. Then he'd get down on one knee, kiss her hand, and ask her to marry him. She'd squeal in delight and accept, and they'd kiss again.

Yeah, right. It was quite a delusional fantasy he'd created for himself. Lina, say that, do that, to him? Uh huh. Yep. Sure. Whatever. Never in a million years. She just wasn't the type to smile prettily up at someone, unless they had something she desperately wanted.

No, it was more likely she'd deny her feelings and become very nervous around him. If he even tried to kiss her, she'd fireball him into orbit, all the while blushing as red as her eyes.

The thought, surprisingly, drew a rare chuckle from his lips.

It's tearin' up my heart, when I'm with you
But when we are apart, I feel it too
And no matter what I do, I feel the pain
With or without you

"Excuse me, but could you tell me if you know where Lina Inverse might be?" he asked a man politely.

"Lina Inverse?... Oh, you mean the Dragon Spooker! Yes, she passed this way several days ago and headed that way, toward Sairaag. The kid managed to clean out a pantry all by herself," grumbled the man.

Zelgadis nodded. "Thank you," Sairaag? Lina, what're you doing there? he asked silently. "What about Gourry?"

"Gourry?"

"The swordsman who always travels with her, who has blond hair and the brains of a jellyfish," Zelgadis supplied. Generally, people were able to recognize this description of Gourry, even if they'd never seen him.

"Nope, I didn't see anyone like that traveling with her. In fact, I think she was traveling alone," mussed the man contemplatively, rubbing his chin.

"Wh-what?! Then where is he?" gasped Zelgadis in shock. Belatedly, he realized the man probably wouldn't know.

The man shrugged. "I don't know. Ask Lina, if you want to know so badly."

It was good advice. "Thank you. I will." And with that, he was gone down the path again, running even faster than before toward Sairaag. But...what was she doing in Sairaag, and without Gourry? Hadn't they been inseprable?

His heart pinched as an idea occurred to him. Had they gotten married, and Gourry was at home for some reason while she visited her old friend, Sylphiel? Was that it? Gods, he hoped not.

Or had Lina met the man of her dreams and agreed to meet him again in Sairaag? That would, possibly, be worse, for at least he could understand why she'd fall in love with Gourry, but a stranger...that he wouldn't be able to fathom, and his heart would shatter.

He snorted derisively at himself. It was already shattering! It didn't matter whether he was with or without her.

Tearin' up my heart and soul
We're apart I feel it too
And no matter what I do, I feel the pain
With or without you

At Sairaag, he told the guards he was just coming in to see the festival. They let him pass, since it was festival time. Everyone was welcome on this week of the year!

He passed through the gates and walked stealthily up to Sylphiel's new home. There, sitting in the window, was Lina, looking out across the street, a thoughtful expression on her face. She couldn't see him since he was standing just out of sight, in a shadow.

Perhaps he had a chance. For a moment, the pain in his heart vanished, and he felt himself happier than he'd been in years. Perhaps, perhaps he wasn't too late...

Perhaps...

And the pain returned. Gourry suddenly appeared in the window, and put a hand carelessly on her shoulder. Had the old man been mistaken, if Gourry truly was here? He watched as they conversed for a few moments before Gourry turned and headed back out of sight. After a minute of simply standing there worriedly, he gulped and walked up to the door. It was time to see if his change of heart hadn't come too late, and whether this pain that only she could alleviate would ever leave him. He had to know, before he tore up his heart and soul wondering, waiting, praying...loving...

Taking a deep breath, he knocked…

**SONG by N Sync'

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