Author:  Irk
Title:  Bind 

Bind Part One [d]
Section [b] [c] [d] [e]

Just as Zelgadis swallowed the last bite of his breakfast, he heard and felt Xelloss flump down beside him.

A soft weight landed on his shoulder. "Here. Your blanket."

"Hmph." Zelgadis set his dishes aside and then pulled the blanket into his lap to fold it. "Finally decided to act reasonable? Good. Maybe you can help me clean up before you go."

Xelloss looked up. "You...don't want me around?"

Zelgadis paused at the emotion in Xelloss' voice. No...the mazoku was just being a pain again. That wasn't sincere. "I didn't think you'd have any reason to stick around, now that I've done what you needed. Your problems are fixed. So you can be on your way. Don't feel that you have to stick around for my sake." The chimera pulled himself upright in one quick motion. "In fact, don't bother with helping me clean before you leave."

Xelloss didn't answer.

Zelgadis snorted. He bent down, gathering dishes and cooking implements. "Surely you made plans for when you'd be free of your masters. There's no possible way that you went through all the trouble of arranging this without arranging yourself a few other things for the aftermath."

"Actually..." Xelloss stared ahead, his eyes meeting empty space. "...Wherever you want to go is fine, Zelgadis."

The chimera looked over at Xelloss sharply. He held the mazoku's gaze for a full minute before Xelloss shrank back. Zelgadis slowly put the dishes down.

"...You're hiding something." The chimera took a step towards Xelloss. "You've been hiding it from the very start." He watched the mazoku shake. He sneered. So he thinks he can play on my pity? What a fool. "Don't bother to put on that act for me. It won't work." He closed the distance between himself and his guest, looking down at the mazoku. "And if for some reason it isn't an act, you might as well tell me what the secret is, Xelloss. Because if you're genuinely afraid of me, I won't hesitate to prove your fears." Zelgadis's eyes glinted with malice. He prided himself on that effect. It was always a particularly nice touch.

"I...I didn't mean for anything bad to happen by it. I just couldn't...couldn't think of another way...." Xelloss cowered beneath Zelgadis, his voice shaking. Zelgadis felt unease trickle over him with every word the mazoku spoke. "I just wanted to protect Lina...that was my top priority. I'd sacrifice anything -- Zelgadis, I...I didn't mean -- thought that if I told you before, that you'd never agree to do it...it was worth sacrificing a few things for her sake!" Zelgadis felt his heart race, felt his anger burn hotter and hotter in his chest. That little voice in the back of his mind that warned him of danger was screaming now. "But I -- I mean, it's not that bad for you -- you benefit! It's only me that suffers-"

Zelgadis slammed into Xelloss and seized him with both hands, barely able to resist the urge to strangle the mazoku. "You liar! You worthless, scheming, lying mazoku! Planning everything as you see fit! You don't bother with asking, with permission!" Zelgadis shook him back and forth, the mazoku's shoulders almost scraping the wall. "What did you make me do?!"

"I'm sor-I'm sor-I-I-I-I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING BAD-I just made you-made you-"

"Made me what, Xelloss?" Zelgadis pinned Xelloss against the wall. "MADE ME WHAT?!"

"I made you rip away my obedience to Zelas and heal the emptiness by replacing her!!" Xelloss hid his face behind his forearms, his body shaking against Zelgadis's.

"You....what?"

Neither moved for a very long, poisonous span of time.

Zelgadis let go of Xelloss. He watched, silent and detached, as Xelloss slid down to the floor. It seemed to happen very slowly. Zelgadis couldn't see the mazoku's face.

"You made me. Your master. Through a trick." He didn't say it harshly. Just coldly.

Xelloss gave the tiniest nod. He watched through a mask of disheveled hair as Zelgadis walked to his cooking equipment. The chimera cleaned and stowed it away with silent, menacing precision.

The mazoku bit his lip. "I-"

"I command you to shut up." Zelgadis narrowed his eyes at him. "Is that spell I cast on you still keeping you sealed inside here?"

Xelloss nodded.

"Good." Zelgadis turned his back to the mazoku, exited, and walked away from the cave.

* * *

Xelloss kept his arms up over his eyes. There were all manner of things that he didn't want to see right now. That he didn't want to get him...to hide from...

Zelgadis's lingering anger, still there after the chimera had left him, gripped Xelloss just as tightly as the chimera had. Squeezed him and shook him. An onlooker, had one seen Xelloss now, would wonder why he shook so badly. Would wonder that especially if they knew anything about Xelloss. And they wouldn't know how Xelloss felt right now, so they had a right to wonder.

Xelloss felt fear. He felt it all around him, pressing against him, breathing over him. He felt his own fear radiating outwards, hitting the walls of his self, curdling in his chest. He felt Zelgadis's anger and the fear from it that shook him. He felt Zelas's anger - felt it from a different future plane where she already knew what he had done, and she shook him. He trembled under Shubranigdu whom he had been severed from. He shook himself, hated himself for doing this thing to himself, shook himself back and forth, told himself he deserved everyone else's punishment. He pleaded to Xelloss to forgive himself. He shook.

Xelloss was quite mad.

It was so hard to see now, hard to hear...easier to do one at a time, for certain. Hard to feel anything at all. But there was the shaking. He couldn't feel much with that going on.

Couldn't see...but why even desire sight? He wasn't looking for Zelgadis, after all. Shouldn't look. Zelgadis wasn't coming back.

Felt the floor. He felt the floor hit him. It was not shaking.

He had barely served his master. Already, his master had abandoned him. And he couldn't feel better just because it was Zelgadis, just because it was a stupid chimera--

--couldn't move for just a moment, stopped shaking because the pain was stronger--

He missed Zelgadis, wanted to beg him, to plead him -- couldn't plead, had to obey, he demanded silence and silence Xelloss would give. He wanted to cling to him but he could barely crawl across the floor, couldn't navigate that plane when the other planes shifted as readily as sand. Couldn't leave the cave and couldn't walk anyways. Couldn't see anyways.

Would just shake forever, lying here, waiting for Zelgadis.

* * *

That Zelgadis needed his camping equipment was the reason he gave himself for coming back. When he came in, Xelloss' form was the first thing he saw and the last thing he wanted to think about.

I can't believe...that's my fault. He hated that he thought that. But he couldn't deny pity for Xelloss. No matter how dishonest and backstabbing the mazoku was. He had to pity that thing.

The mazoku couldn't see him with his face cradled in his arms. Zelgadis hated being surprised, so why startle that shaking thing? He ground his heels into the grit of the cave as he walked, signaling his approach. He knelt beside the thing and nudged its shoulder.

Xelloss let out a squeak as he felt Zelgadis's hand. Zelgadis jerked his hand back quickly and cursed. "Xelloss! It's me. I'm back. You don't have to be so -- you can stop shaking now, really. Come on." The mazoku stopped his shaking, but didn't give any reply. It took a few moments for Zelgadis to realize the reason. "Oh! You can, uh...talk now. That's my command." Zelgadis rolled his eyes, realizing how stupid that sounded.

Something about Xelloss seemed calmer now. "I...I can't see you."

Zelgadis rolled his eyes again, but not at himself. "That's because your arms are in the way."

There was a long pause while Xelloss digested this. He finally shifted, turning his head so that he could see Zelgadis. "Oh. There you are."

The chimera almost flinched away. There was adoration in the mazoku's expression that Zelgadis couldn't accept. Was this what Xelloss' former mistress used to see in his eyes? This awful, eerie worship...like affection.

Zelgadis scooted away just a bit. "...So. You're like a servant, then. For me. Just like you were for your mazoku lords."

Xelloss nodded, rapture in his eyes. "In every way," he breathed.

Zelgadis felt a chill. "I didn't want this. Why did you want this?" Oh gods please tell me he didn't really want this. "Was it just a means to an end?"

The mazoku's body curled a little. "Yes. I would do anything for Lina."

Zelgadis felt a very odd sensation. It brushed against him for only a moment, then was gone.

"...So." Zelgadis bit his lip, cursed as always the faint grind of stone that happened whenever he did that. "What do you expect me to do with you? I have a cure to find. I have dangerous roads to travel. And..." He winced, hating to admit the obvious, "...you...don't seem that well. I couldn't just order you away from me in this state."

Xelloss was quiet.

"Is it time? Do you need more time to recover?"

The mazoku seemed to think about this. "...You would let me recover here?" With you?

"Sure." Zelgadis smiled. "I can't just order you to leave when you can barely walk."

"I...do need...more time..." Xelloss' voice seemed farther away. His eyes lost focus.

"Xelloss?" Zelgadis lightly shook the mazoku's shoulder. "Xelloss?"

"...before I can travel...I do need more time." Xelloss felt the pain seize him, spent all of his energy on not showing it. This was so much easier before Zelgadis had cast the bind.

But he had known this wouldn't be easy.

"Hey. Take it easy." The chimera sounded a lot more charitable when he was convinced Xelloss wouldn't be his burden for much longer. "Rest as much as you need. I'll just wait around here for another week. There's a few travelers who just came into town that I wanted to get more information from anyways. So it's no loss."

"Oh." Xelloss felt his senses ease, felt guilt creep away now. "That's a relief."

Zelgadis frowned. It's as if he was actually concerned about my life. Weird. Recovery must be doing some odd things to him. "Do you need anything? I mean, you're a mazoku--" That sounds bad. "I mean, I don't know if you need a blanket. What with being...a mazoku." If I said that to anyone but Xelloss, I'd actually feel rotten now. Then again...if I knew another mazoku besides Xelloss, I probably wouldn't ever need say that to them.

"Mmnngh." That seemed to be his only answer. Zelgadis watched the mazoku's eyelids droop.

I should be thankful he's quiet, really. The chimera went to fetch a blanket, then paused. Why bother? He picked Xelloss up -- gingerly, he was a mazoku after all -- What does that mean? "He's a mazoku." Does that change how I'm suppossed to hold him?? -- and carried him to the bedding. He set Xelloss down on the mat, laid him so his head rested on the pillow, and pulled the blanket up to his chin.

Zelgadis stood up and regarded his handiwork. Strange. Before this happened, I never thought mazoku slept. Xelloss looked much like anybody else when he was asleep. Eyes closed -- but not like they were normally, not in that masked expression. Jaw relaxed, mouth softer and almost thoughtful. Lips...

The chimera shook himself. He'd let his mind drift, standing there like an idiot. He had things to attend to back in town.

* * *

The sunset's glow spilled through the mouth of the cave, red like wine, or fire. Cinder dust motes floated through the air. They parted and whirled away as Zelgadis stumbled in.

"Well. That was a bust."

It seemed that Zelgadis's questions had upset the monks that were passing through the town. They somehow got the impression that the chimera was going to steal the precious artifact that he had shown such interest in. This was a ridiculous assumption. Zelgadis wasn't going to steal the artifact. He was just going to examine it. And give it back.

Probably.

His appearance probably hadn't done much for him, either.

"Ugh. What a long, stupid day." Zelgadis flopped to his knees and rummaged through his equipment. If he didn't get dinner started now, he never would. He'd just pass out on the floor. On the road alone, it was easy to let things go, to get off-schedule. Fools never finished what they started because fools didn't have the discipline to follow a quest through. Zelgadis wasn't a fool.

Still, as he ate his food he wondered why he'd gone through the trouble of seasoning something he was too tired to taste.

As he put away the dishes, the chimera watched the sunset's red wine light fade into the black of deep waters.

Sleep. Now there was a complication. Zelgadis looked over at the mazoku nestled in his bedding.

He hasn't moved an inch in the time that I was gone. Zelgadis blinked. He didn't toss or turn or even shift a little. Just layed wherever I set him down.

"...He doesn't even snore."

Well, that was certainly a change from the past two days. Zelgadis thought about it for a moment. Maybe Xelloss' hallucinations or whatever were from shock. The mazoku had needed time to adjust to his new astral physiology. It probably took two days to recover from that initial shock. Now his astral body was healing from the bind. All of his rescources must be diverted towards that healing process. It made sense. Xelloss knew that no mazoku could find him here, thanks to that ward he had made Zelgadis cast. He also knew that Zelgadis would protect the cave from any other intruders for the chimera's own sake. So he probably had no worries about the physical world.

He'd just lie there until his astral form was whole.

Even though Xelloss was a mazoku, Zelgadis would still feel bad about kicking him out of the bedding and making him sleep on bare floor. And while the chimera could sleep on the rock, he really didn't prefer to. But if he's not going to move anyway...and it took him two days just to recover from shock...

Zelgadis took off his boots, laid them neatly to the side, climbed into the bedding, and pulled the blankets a bit farther over. Xelloss could keep the pillow.

* * *

Feel so bad...

Xelloss didn't move at all -- at least, on the physical plane he didn't. The astral plane was a different story. On the astral plane, his body was restless, yet at the same time tired. It shook. It tossed and turned. It cringed. The veils of grey whirled as if blown every which way by gusts.

Zelgadis didn't notice.

Zelgadis never noticed, not even when I was shredded, not even when I was shaking. He doesn't look at me, not at the real me. He never even looked at the astral me at all until I asked him to. He doesn't notice...doesn't look at me...

Is this how it's going to be from now on? I'm going to serve a master that doesn't even want to look at me?

The veils shook like tightropes. Xelloss cringed. The pain from earlier that day still gripped him even now. Just a little deceit, not even a vocal lie but a truth he hid. A secret. He'd kept a secret from his master.

I'd forgotten...how much it hurts to disobey. How long the punishment lasts for intentionally decieving my superiors. Potentially causing harm. Abusing trust. I've done so much of that...

I'm a bad mazoku...and wouldn't Zelgadis say so too?

...But he never looks at me.

He...doesn't even want me.

I'm so lonely.

He'd let Zelgadis think that in a week, Xelloss would be better. That his master could free him just by ordering him away. It had made the chimera happy. It convinced him to let Xelloss stay with him. To stay close to him.

Xelloss squirmed as he was gripped by need, the need to be close, to be with, to be a part of his master. He was always so close to Zelas. She had completed him, just as in some way Shubranigdu completed her. He was never alone. He was never stranded and lost and confused, a lone mote of dust drowning in infinity. Solitary. Tiny. Forgotten.

He almost cried out, let his lungs fill up with air and cry out in that physical realm where he slept. He had to be close...to be close...to be close!!

Close...

But Zelgadis was so shielded from him, and Xelloss was so astrally muted, that he couldn't even feel his master on this plane at all.

...Was he back yet? Did he finally return? Maybe he was in this cave. Maybe he was near.

If Xelloss could just move...could just command his physical shell at all...just the slightest twitch...

Xelloss' eyes opened, very slowly, into tiny slits of amethyst.

Right there. Master was right there.

But he still felt so far away.

It took an hour, and energy that could have helped quicken his astral recovery, but Xelloss managed to reach, to strain, to just brush his fingers against his master's cheek. The relief flooded in. It wasn't close enough but the rush of fulfillment from just that...just that slight, tiny moment of contact...it almost carried him into to true sleep.

He'd almost...fallen back...

Into sleep...

Xelloss' eyes closed as oblivion took him.

* * *

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You can find more of Irk's works at http://www.mazoku.com/~snapple/ficarc/