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Chapter Selection
I appear in his room just as the sunsets. It's easier that way, the pain doesn't start and there's no reason to touch each other. We've been avoiding that lately, it bothers me more than I thought it would and that makes me annoyed with myself. It shouldn't matter to me that he moves away when I come close, that things are very nearly back the way they used to be, it shouldn't, but it does. I have been in a foul humour since he turned away from me that last night, since I turned, even the others have noticed. I find that to be even more irritating, the fact that I can not even conceal my current emotions from Gourry, who is so blissfully oblivious to the world in general.
With a frustrated sigh I walk over to the window, staring out into the night as I rest my staff against the wall and fold my arms over my chest. Zelgadiss is lying in the bed, I don't know if he's asleep or not but I assume so. He never waits up for me anymore, there's no point, but it does make the room seem very cold. I pretend not to notice that, I'm pretending not to notice a lot of things lately. When did I start keeping secrets from myself?
"Xellos?" His voice carries through the silent room easily, startling me though I manage not to show it.
"Yes?"
"You never sleep anymore." It's not a question, it's a statement. I wonder how he knows that when he is supposed to be sleeping at night, not seeing if I am.
"I don't need to." Silence falls between us again, the standard state of affairs lately. I can hear him turn over in the bed and risk a quick look. He's curled up on his side with his back to me, the blankets held tightly around him, he does that a lot lately too. I turn to look out the window again.
"Xellos?" His voice is so quiet this time that I almost don't hear him. "I don't want you to leave me."
"I CAN'T leave you." I snap, turning to glare at him, "We're stuck together, remember?"
He sighs and lies on his back, staring up at the ceiling. "That's not what I meant. "You're here every night, but you're leaving me just the same."
What the hell is he babbling about? I just ignore it, but he doesn't stop.
"You never touch me anymore, not even to tease me."
"You don't want me too." I would really rather be anywhere else in the world right now, but that's not exactly an option so I guess I'm stuck in this conversation.
"Where did you get that from?" He asks testily, raising himself to one elbow and looking at me with annoyance.
"From you. Your entire body tenses up whenever I come near you. The way you react is exactly the way you used to when you hate--" I don't want to finish that thought so I look out the window again instead. He's quiet for a few moments, and then,
"I never really hated you."
I scoff.
"All right, maybe that's not quite accurate, but I hated you because I knew I couldn't have you."
"Well that problem got solved rather nicely, didn't it?"
He sighs again, is quiet, then asks, "Is it really that bad?"
Does he have any idea what he's asking? "Yes."
"I don't think it is."
I feel a rush of pleasure at his words and cover it with anger, "What are you doing?" I snap, "Why are you acting like there's something here that's worth trying to save?"
"Because there is. I don't want to loose you Xellos." Again his words give a rush of joy, and I can feel myself holding them tight to my heart even as I try to pretend they mean nothing.
"There is very little chance of that happening when I have to come back to you every night." I turn to look at him again, realizing my mistake only when I meet his sad gaze and feel myself drowning in those soulful blue eyes.
I'm going to loose again, I can feel it, no, I've already lost. How? How does he have the power to make me give in so easily? He frightens me more than anything else I have faced in my entire life. The sadness vanishes from his eyes, replaced by understanding. He knows that he's won, he knows that I am afraid, I don't know which of these is worse.
"Xellos." His voice is soft as he stands and walks towards me. I want to tell him to stop, but my voice seems to have gotten lost somewhere in the last few minutes, and he is holding me before it returns. I have longed for that touch, no matter what I have been telling myself, and I melt into it. "You don't see it, do you?"
"See what?"
"You control me too, you know."
"Right." I gasp as his lips trace the line of my throat.
He chuckles a little, pulling me away from the window and towards the bed. "Xellos, think about the conversation we're having right now. Do you really see me making a confession like this to anyone else?"
I think about it for a moment and have to concede that he is right. Zelgadiss is not exactly the most forthcoming person in the world. Why he would admit that he... he needs me? That is what he has been saying, isn't it? Imagine that, he needs me, just like... just like I need him.
Shit.
"Xellos." He whispers as his hands unclasp my cloak and set it to the side. "It's not that bad."
I sigh as my shirt and belt follow, then watch amused as he makes me sit down on the bed so that he can remove my shoes. We're both dressed only in our pants now, as he stands I reach for his. He shakes his head,
"No. Not tonight."
I look at him confused as he lays me back on the bed, then lies beside me, pulling the blankets up over us both.
"What are you doing?" I ask as he slips into my arms again.
"I'm going to make love with you."
"Then I think the pants will be in the way after all."
He kisses me with a laugh. "No, I'm not talking about that."
"I don't understand."
"It's okay, you will."
His hands begin to move over my body in a light caress as he kisses me again. The touches are more comforting than arousing, a reaffirmation that he is, in fact, in my arms and that this is not just a dream. It's strange, but I don't want him to stop, I don't want it to change, I run my hands over his back and hold him closer. We stay like that for a long time before he begins talking, softly, as though he really doesn't want to tell me these things.
"My father never intended to take a mate. I've known that all my life. When he bonded with my mother, he was injured and had been forced to rest by a pond that was close to the farm where she lived. My mother liked to swim in that pond on nights when there was enough light, which there always is on a full moon. I never understood what had happened between them before, but I do now. It bothers me, I never wanted to think that he... but he must have."
His words confuse me for a moment before I figure out his fears and sooth them with my hands and voice, "No, he didn't Zel-kun. The magic that effects you effects the chosen mate as well. It's not quite as powerful, but at the time, your mother wanted your father as much as he wanted her, he did not force himself on her."
Some of the tension leaves his body at my assurance, I'm surprise that he believes me so easily, even if it is the truth. He rests his head against my chest and then continues. "They were not happy with the arrangement, and they were not happy with my appearance. They never really fought, not that I can remember anyway, but they were always cold to each other. They spent the night in the same room, but in separate beds."
So that was how he knew, I had wondered about that. "And how did they treat you?"
"Pretty much the same way. My father tried at the start to find a use for me, but he was a warrior and I was very weak as a child. I was useless to him. To my mother I was simply a reminder that her life had been messed up, she had never wanted children, she didn't even try to hide it. She was so happy when the bond was finally broken." His voice trails off for a few moments, and he reaches for me again, hands and mouth asking for reassurance that I give him easily, I am surprised at how much I want to comfort him, though I really shouldn't be anymore. He relaxes again after a moment and begins talking again,
"Shortly before my fifth birthday my father came home during the day, which was something he rarely did. He told my mother to make sure she was unable to leave the house that night. She locked herself in the bedroom, and locked me inside the house. It was... terrible." He began to shudder and nothing I could do could ease him, but he still continued, "When the moon rose my mother screamed as she pounded on the bedroom door. She broke the glass in the window, but the shutters outside kept her in. She began crying, begging me to let her out, but I--"
"You were suffering from the moon's pull as well."
He nodded, "I nearly destroyed the house trying to get out of it, but I was as trapped as my mother, though I think she had the worse of it in the end. Her hands were covered with blood the next morning, I don't know if it was from breaking the window or from scratching at the door. Breaking this bond is as bad as fighting it, though not quite as lethal."
"That would be why so many faeries mate for life." I whisper softly, running my hand through his hair before kissing the top of his head, "It's just easier."
"Mmm." He shifts closer and rests his head against my chest, his hand playing with a lock of my hair. "My father never came back after that. I think he just forgot about us, he must have been very happy to be free."
His voice trails off, I run my hand down his spine, "Your mother?"
"A year later she took me to my grandfather's house. She stayed for two days, making arrangements I assume, and then she left, just like he had." He chuckles, "And from there you pretty much know the rest."
I bury my face in his wiry hair and just let myself feel his nearness for a short time. I like this. I like this a lot.
Shit.
I smile into his hair as a stray thought enters my mind, "My mother thinks this will be good for me."
"I beg your pardon?" He asks in a combination of surprise and amusement.
"Zellas-sama, she was quite delighted with this outcome."
"You're kidding."
"No, I think, well, I think she liked seeing me get caught." I guess it's my turn to talk now, oh well. "I'm a lot older than you Zel-kun, I can't tell you my entire life in a night. But," his hands urge me forward though I can't imagine being that open with him, with anyone. Still, I want to tell him and the conflict hurts, for a moment the pain is unbearable, and then he takes it away from me. His presence warms me completely through and the words begin before I realize they are going to start,
"I had a very close friend once, which is not very common among mazoku. He was younger than I was and strangely naïve, which is even more uncommon. He fell very much in love with a dragon, a gold dragon. I think she loved him as well, though I never really knew her. It was dangerous enough for him to visit her without me tagging along. The other dragons never would have accepted it, and the other mazoku would have laughed, so it was a secret." I haven't thought about this in so many years, the pain of these memories returns suddenly, bringing no pleasure with them.
"What happened?" his voice is soothing, softer than I have ever heard it. I change positions now, I want his arms around me, I want him to hold me now instead of the other way around. He follows the movements and reads my needs, holding me tight against his chest as he resumes his caresses.
"They were caught together one day, on the day I was to meet her actually. The gold dragons pulled them apart and we both watched as they slaughtered him. At the time there was nothing I could do to stop them, I was not as strong then as I would be later. He died, and then I watched as the dragon he had loved said that he had manipulated her, that she knew now that she had never loved him, that he had used her."
"That was probably not true."
"I know that now, but at the time I was furious." I don't want to tell him this!
"It's all right Xellos." His hands brush lightly through my hair, I never thought that something so simple would feel so good. My eyes close as I let him soothe me, reassure me.
"I killed her." The words come out softly, his hands don't even pause. "I did it quickly so that I could leave before the others could react. She probably didn't even know what happened." I can't take this anymore, I can't. My body begins to shake, causing him to hold me closer.
"It's all right Xellos, you don't have to say anymore."
This hurts, as much as I want it, this hurts. I find his mouth, kissing him deeply, trying to pull him in. He allows it for a moment, then moves away, pressing a finger to my lips and kissing me around it.
With a sigh I relax into his arms again and let him hold me gently. This is a strange feeling, like I'm safe, completely safe. I'm not sure I've ever felt like that before in my life.
Making love he said.
I think...
I think I love him.
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